Have a Heart

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‘Have a heart.’ People say figuratively to the heartless but what of the mite who literally did not have a heart to speak of, or rather one too small to sustain her after birth? Imagine a brilliant son abroad, who soared skywards career wise but had no time for marriage and a family who, finally decides to have a through surrogacy. Dr. Amrinder pours her heart out and unfolds a tragedy, exclusively for Different Truths.

How does one mourn the death, the willful death, of an unseen, unborn grandchild? Grief, heavy as a boulder lies on my chest and yet, I do not know if I ought to be sad or relieved. Unshed tears glisten on eyelids while shards of dreams lie at my feet. Dark of depression shroud rays of hope and yet for her unseen father and granny who loved her so for the mere 18 weeks of intrauterine existence, life must go on.

‘Have a heart.’ People say figuratively to the heartless but what of the mite who literally did not have a heart to speak of, or rather one too small to sustain her after birth? Let me begin at the beginning. Imagine a beautiful brilliant son abroad, who soared skywards career wise but had no time for marriage and a family who, finally decides to have a child through surrogacy. Despite the immense expense, legalities, and technicalities involved, the ovum of one fertilised by his sperm was implanted in the womb of another in which miraculously a tremulous new being began to take shape.

I marveled at the progress of science and raised my hands heavenwards in thankful prayer. I would be joining them at the time of birth and stay for a few months to usher my granddaughter into this world and settle her in. Many rosy dreams I wove around her. I would imagine how she would look, what family heirlooms I’d bequeath her and what a blessing she would be to my lonely son for, father-daughter bonding is special but it was not to be.

That she had a cardiac anomaly incompatible with life did not make it any easier for her father to sign her death warrant, yet he gave to have her aborted. My heart bleeds, not only for the tiny life cut so very short but also for the son who must grieve alone in a distant land. He does not want to see her lifeless form lest it haunts him for the rest of his life. Perhaps, it is for the best. Perhaps this was all the karmic connect we had with the soul that must return before beginning its sojourn on earth and we must content ourselves with the brief bond we shared with her.

To each his/her own way of experiencing emotions as strong and painful as this. I give vent to it through tears, talk, and writings while he has clamped up and is busying himself in academic activities. All I can wish and pray for is that she finds peace in the netherworld and we find peace in this world, after this earth-shattering experience.    

©Dr. Amrinder Kaur Bajaj

Photos from the Internet

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Dr. Amrinder Kaur Bajaj is a practicing gynaecologist and the HOD Obs & Gynae at MAX Hospital Pitampura, Delhi. Writing is a passion that has led to the publication of two wellness books, a book of poems, a joke book, and a memoir based on her association with the noted Indian author and columnist Khushwant Singh. She regularly writes columns, articles, travelogues, and short stories for magazines and newspapers and has contributed chapters to medical text books.