The book, ‘Where the Boys Are…Someone Waits to be Heard,’ by Shyamola Khanna, is a powerful examination of the abuse of male children. Dr Roopali reviews the seminal work – exclusively for Different Truths.
Shyamola Khanna’s fourth book, “Where the Boys Are …Someone Waits to be Heard”, is a stunning exposition on the male child’s physical, mental, and emotional abuse. The author takes head on a subject at the core of the dysfunctional upbringing of boys in Indian society.
Sexual assault of adolescent and pre-teen male children is not new. Young boys continue to be used and abused by priests, uncles, cousins, teachers, wardens, sports coaches, aunts, caregivers and even home visitors. This is worldwide. There are laws to prevent and protect our children. Unfortunately, familial and societal norms do not support the victim.
The perversity lies not only in the act but also in how the victim is treated when discovered. Despised and kept away, the victim is filled with guilt. The family’s disruption and dishonour are blamed on the young child.
Having been violated, he becomes easy prey for other predatory paedophiles within the family.
Having been violated, he becomes easy prey for other predatory paedophiles within the family. There is no compunction, counselling, or care for the violated child. Most times, the children are sent away to crummy boarding schools or relatives, where they are further abused.
Most often, they grow up a broken person, forever seeking love and acceptance. This critical book recounts stories by adults long past the specific episodes. We must understand that in no way does this tracing the past make the problem redundant.
On the contrary, we can visualise the trajectory of the effect of these abuses and assaults on young male children. We see clearly how it stunts their mental development. Their loss of confidence and the drastic impact on gender relationships is apparent. The trauma remains.
Broken marriages, inept fatherhood, lack of emotional connection, poor education, and no employability abound. Outbursts of violence are some of the drastic effects. Suicidal tendencies come to the fore.
Shyamola’s book is important in the contribution it makes. The hope remains that parents, teachers, psychologists, and policymakers will not be able to sweep the matter under the carpet. The adults in the book speak of the long-term impact on their individual and social life. Reading these narratives warns us of the mistakes we parents make.
When we listen carefully to our children, it’s a poignant cry to be heard.
The title is an eye-opener. “Where the Boys Are: Someone Waits to be Heard.” Opening our eyes and ears is the book’s intention. When we listen carefully to our children, it’s a poignant cry to be heard. Even as we take great care of our girls because they are ‘paraya dhan’, we try to toughen our boys through all kinds of inhuman behaviour. Our boys and men are socialised to conform to “traditional masculinity ideology”, which then could lead to what is known as “toxic masculinity.” Toxic masculinity is what can come of teaching boys that they can’t express emotion openly, that they must be “tough all the time”,; that anything other than that makes them “feminine” or weak.
We rough our male children in the garb of toughening by training them to be men. We challenge their masculinity, beating them and giving them a rough time by sending them off to boarding schools or taking them off education to work in the small family business. In India, we even organise forced mismatched marriage alliances to get a good dowry.
Parental upbringing seems to be at the core of the case studies in this book. Joint extended families, shortage of money, unemployed adults hanging about, deprivation and robust patriarchal control of finances and people.
Preventing the sexual and emotional abuse of girls and women is a priority. Girls are kept busy with household work. Yet girls are finding their voices. Our boys, on the other hand, are being pushed into silence. Protecting the adult predator seems to become the sole concern of the family. Thus, the hurt and neglected young boy continues to be assaulted. It is not uncommon for the victim of the crime to begin to accept it as a norm.
Shyamola has put together case studies which are recorded in an autobiographical mode.
Shyamola has put together case studies which are recorded in an autobiographical mode. They are authentic stories of familial conflicts, marital discord, avuncular, sexual assaults, of physical and verbal violence by an overly strict father.
Expectations and demands by the patriarch of “good behaviour” leave the child shattered, under-confident and fearful of the father figure. Fear of constant correction and public reprimand followed by punishment leaves the child anxious and nervous.
Where the Boys Are draws attention to the dynamics of familial relationships in Indian society, it subtly challenges the joint family system where the individual has no place and does not even stand a chance.
The extended family operates firmly within the patriarchal structure. Its operation is purely an economic one. One earns to support a large extended family. Even in nuclear families, the son must financially support his parents and younger brothers and pay for the wedding ceremony of his sisters.
Children are important only for extending the family. Daughters are a burden and are put to work in the kitchen. Sons must earn for the family. Not just for their wives and children. They inherit their father’s financial burdens.
Conflict is inbred as individual human desires are not fulfilled.
Conflict is inbred as individual human desires are not fulfilled. Marital breakdowns are common. Contrary to our belief that the obsessive desire for a son overrules everything, boys in these households are almost always poorly treated.
Corporal punishment – beatings are common disciplinary measures. Teachers and parents routinely take to beating male children. Wives turn violent if the husband is not bringing in enough money for the family.
In talking to adults who were abused as children and young adults, Shyamola has chronicled the long-term effect of child abuse. The book also serves as a catharsis for the adults who have spoken out. One such adult is 80 years old and has served in the armed forces. He speaks of his dysfunctional family and the continued emotional harassment by his father.
Shyamola Khanna has not written to sensationalise the subject. Her long years as a teacher and author and her committed work with soldiers have trained her to handle this subject with grace and compassion. It is a socio-psychological concern that motivates her.
The book is seminal for parents, teachers, psychologists, school counsellors, administrators, and general reading and awareness. As we read the book, we realise with mounting concern how we may have erred or continue to err. The book, Where the Boys Are: Somebody Waits to be Heard is a wake-up call.
Cover photo sourced by the reviewer.
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