Why Couples Seek Other Partners outside Marriage: Love, Sex and Dhoka Unleashed!

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Drifting away from the spouse, in search of love, laughter, and excitement, is becoming commonplace for couples these days. A woman may find physical and emotional closeness in another man, woman or both, while a man might have a secret relationship with a masseur or mistress. Rina probes into the reasons for the infidelities, in the weekly column, exclusively for Different Truths.

There appears to be a lot of interest around the world in studying behaviours of adults and people alike for the topics of love, sex, and inevitably infidelity or rather cheating. Studies always think of what causes the so-called perfect couples to go off on a tangent and find love, have sex, and be called cheats eventually!

Regardless of the science, it comes to the human parameter of what people desire, and the fact that today, people find their desires in easier reach – thanks to the internet, lower costs of travel, etc. – than ever before. It helps that men and women are in close contact at work, in everyday life, and spend hours with a friend, a colleague, the professional at a pub, a bar, a restaurant, or even a coffee shop. Married couples today are liberal in their sense of allowing opposite-sex friendships to develop without being overly possessive or suspicious. All of that always leads to one relationship breaking, and another coming together invariably.

Look at it from her point of view – women first are always nicer – if she’s at work, she’s as tired as him, possibly takes a maternity break from her career, spends countless hours wondering what’s of her life and her (once) successful career. She’ll have to rebuild, there has never been an alternative to a mother, while she stays attractive to her man. There are several couples that make it past here and have a very satisfying life later together, but this is meant to reflect on a woman that seeks the ingredients she lacks in her life.

Marriage, or long companionship, can result in things going stale. Haven’t we heard of how women want their men to be as charmed with them as the initial days? A child can add to that complex variable already – development, loving, and nurturing centres around the little one leaving very little time and energy for the couple to soak into one another.

Moments that cause a woman to speak to her ex perhaps, or the lovely guy next door, who appears to still appreciate her tremendously, or a man that somehow has the time to just laugh with her and help her feel good about her challenges. It’s also that she senses her mate starting to get distracted – perhaps for all the right reasons, doubtlessly – plan the family, balance the career, find ways to be connected to his girl; or sometimes just distracted by the fact that there are beautiful, single women, or equally amorous women there that he bonds with. Insecurity eventually translates into actions, and the woman reaches out primarily to be loved. Sex is just the afterthought as a culmination of that love, or maybe it isn’t. It could just be the diminishing sex that causes the woman to look out for a partner that can have loving sex with her and not see her as the answer to the sexual needs of her husband.

Perhaps it’s also that the irritation wells up and she starts drifting apart – very much wanting to stay in love, she ignores other thoughts and advances and tries and stays happy with other avenues but realises that is never a good substitute to a loving man that gets a laugh on her and demonstrates responsible commitment to her and the family.

At various points, she will keep grappling with the question of morality – was it right to smile at the cute guy that winked at her? Was it right to invite that awesome dude home and give him a hug when her partner wasn’t around, perhaps even meeting him for coffee or an evening out?

In the modern day concept, all of those possibilities for a woman could also occur with another woman. The tender loving care that she craves for coming from another woman – a best friend perhaps –  who understands her emotional needs and isn’t physically invasive.

Every single moment though, the woman would know she’s drifting further away, and at some moment, she dives into an alternative life just to fulfill the heart’s desires. A physical and an emotional closeness – a taste of the forbidden fruit or lesbianism. Perhaps it’s an avenue to get what her life can’t provide her at that moment.

Every moment from thereon, whether with the other man or another woman or both, she feels guilty and pulls back partially, and then emotionally goes back in – because her conscience didn’t allow her to let the alternative partner down; strangely, the sort of thing she believes her partner did to her.

What of men? Always a one-track mind of seeking out a woman for sexual conquests, aren’t they? It could be the striking single girl or the very attractive (but unhappy looking) married/committed woman they exchanged smiles with; men tend to start off thinking if they can get the woman in bed – or so research suggests as an oversimplification.

It could go beyond; simple things like having to just admire and appreciate a woman leading to his desire of her could stem from being nagged at home. We will steer clear of the merits of what causes that for purposes of this article. It could something as simple as just seeking to enjoy sex with someone completely new. That sounds completely immoral but the number of men that end up in another secret relationship with their masseurs, or spend money on having a mistress defies logic. Why pay for something their partner would be delighted to give them (or so we should think)?

It could even be that fabled story about men being loose on commitments and just needing to get the weighting emotions off their pants – loosely speaking. No emotions after that. Zip up (pun intended) and head off!

Sometimes, it is that men fall in love genuinely with the woman and are willing to even love a difficult woman (subjective) merely to have more time with her. The woman and the man could end up looking for entirely different things.

She – looking for his love and sex as a manifestation of that love.

He – looking for sex with love, a possibility, as an outcome of sex. He could love having sex, after all, couldn’t he?

Commonly, both end up in a situation feeling guilty for having cheated. After a while, they realise the release of pent-up emotions helps them cope with their daily challenges together.

Perhaps they’re not right as a couple but just enjoying the best of what the other has to give.

Either way, not much has changed in the modern day world – we still crave to be loved, love having sex, or if they’re in a relationship already, willing to risk being called cheats.

The irony is nobody knows if they cheated on their partners; or crucially, cheated themselves into believing they’re happier. But then, that’s something for them to think about.

©Rina

Photos from the Internet

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Rina is an accomplished graphic designer with a strong knowledge of Adobe software, visual communication, multimedia scripting, human-computer interface, and also the knowledge of 3D animation and production techniques. Creative, resourceful and flexible, able to adapt to changing priorities and maintain a positive attitude and strong work ethic. Passionate about art, not only practicing it but also spreading, appreciating, and learning it. She is currently situated in Singapore.