Reading Time: 2 minutes
Samina’s poem explores a complex relationship, expressing love for a distant and self-destructive person, reflecting on personal experiences, exclusively for Different Truths.
I want you to know that I am not praying for
the skies to turn a darker shade of blue.
I never did; I never have.
At most, I pray for greens, yellows and oranges,
And I have been particular about it.
I am not arrogant; I do not believe that I am arrogant,
and yet you might put it on me,
And somehow, I am not offended.
I am not offended by you anymore.
Something’s changed; I don’t know
What it is at this point, but something’s changed.
It maybe your fault; it may be mine,
but we aren’t playing the same ball anymore.
Why do you call yourself an infidel?
When do you happen to be the Queen of self-sabotage?
You run around with your faux superiority complex
Only to hide how much you hate yourself.
You are dismissive of me because
You are aware that I love you truly,
but you haven’t known real love in your whole life,
and ensuing you don’t know what to do with me.
You love me that much, I know.
You love how I love you without conditions and kindness,
But you are a cruel person and
You shall not give either of us what we want.
And I want to ask you that all of this is for what?
A show is worth so much?
I left you and our home without throwing any shade
And I guess that is some success on
My part, but is it?
Is it?
What do you think?
...You won’t say anything. You never say anything.
I promised myself that when I find
Love I will make sure they aren’t a copy of my father
but they always turn out to be.
I guess the fault is mine. I put too much pressure on you,
O me, but I can’t sit silent without answers.
I wasn’t made to sit silently.
I am my mother’s daughter, even though I am trying not to be.
I am an artist. I see the purple-pink skies
And I want to tell everyone about it.
I see the yellow and run toward it, not away,
and yet somehow, I always go after people who would run,
Run away from me.
I wish I could figure out what it is
About me that drives them away...
What it was that drove you away...
I will be here when you come back,
And I would still love you, maybe.
But things will change. Things always do.
Everything except our faces changes,
but sometimes they do too.
I want to be able to recognise you
When I see you again,
However long that may take and
I want you to be able to recognise me too.
I hope you do.
They say it takes a hell lot of strength to
Know what’s right and I have tried to always
Choose what’s right. You know I am a liar but
I love you and you know that but I pray
That you also derive the strength to
Choose what is right.
I don’t need that to be me but
I want you to love me.
I hope I am allowed to ask that much.
Picture design, Anumita Roy
