Letter from America: State of the Race

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Renowned political satirist, Robert Brenner, is Different Truths’ columnist. His take on democracy and the forthcoming American Presidential Election will have you in splits. Here’s his column on the probable Presidential candidates for the forthcoming election.

Dear Indians,

Sorry for not writing for so long. I’ve been busy. A lot has been happening.

On the Republican side, the once sprawling field has narrowed down to businessman/angry orangutan Donald Trump and Texas Senator/alien lizard Ted Cruz. Trump has the lead, but may not have enough delegates to secure the nomination on the first ballot. Cruz is behind, but is busy rigging the delegates to win the nomination in a contested convention.

Meanwhile, the Republican establishment is desperately trying to find an alternative to these two losers. Possibilities include:

  • Ohio Governor/ bowl of oatmeal John Kasich. Yes, he’s still running. On the plus side, he’s not as bat shit crazy as Trump or Cruz; on the minus side, he’s a distant third, having so far won only one state—his own. (As of this writing, he just came in second in New York, ahead of Cruz. For Kasich, this is a victory of sorts.)
  • Former Massachusetts Governor/erectile dysfunction spokesman Mitt Romney. He’s won even less states than Kasich, having been convinced by former Florida Governor/ “thes mart one” Jeb Bush not to run this year. (Remember when Bush was considered a contender?) He’s been an outspoken critic of Trump, calling him a “fraud,” but he’s also a two-time loser.
  • House Speaker/Eddie Munster impersonator Paul Ryan.  Like Romney, Ryan decided not to run this year. He has also said he absolutely, positively doesn’t want the position—which means he wants it. (He said the same thing about becoming Speaker of the House.)

The one thing Trump and Cruz agree on is they don’t want any of these interlopers stealing their Eggo. Expect them to fight tooth and nail against interference from the party establishment —before turning on each other.

Trump has threatened riots if he doesn’t get the nomination, and has withdrawn his pledge not to run as a third-party candidate. Prediction: Trump gets the nomination.

On the Democratic side, things are a little more stable. Former Secretary of State/Borg Queen Hillary Clinton has an insurmountable lead in pledged delegates, but Vermont Senator/cranky old Jew Bernie Sanders hasn’t been mathematically eliminated—yet. This has led to all sorts of farfetched fantasies by Sanders supporters about how he could still maybe, possibly, somehow get the nomination, including:

  • Sanders catches up to Clinton in pledged delegates. This requires him to crush Clinton bydouble digits in all of the remaining states. The problem is most of these states are favorable to Clinton, and he’s deeply behind in the polls. He needs several Michigans in a row — and you usually can drawn to an inside straight only once per poker game.
  • The super delegates desert Clinton and vote for Sanders. Yes, the super delegates can change their minds right up to the convention. But with Clinton maintaining a big lead in pledged delegates, there is no compelling reason for them to do so. Sander supporters argue that he is more “electable,” but super delegates are old party pros and know this is bullshit.
  • Clinton gets indicted. I’m old enough to remember when Clinton was rumored to have murdered Vincent Foster to cover-up her lesbian love affair with Angela Davis, so I take all these Clinton conspiracy theories with a big grain of salt. (Look it up, kids.). Benghazigate went nowhere, and so will Emailgate. It pains me to hear some Sander supporters parroting Republican talking points. It’s almost as if they were secretly working for Karl Rove. Hmmm.

Sander supporters are threatening to throw tantrums and run Bernie as a third-party candidate if he doesn’t get the nomination—sound familiar? But, unlike Trump, Sanders is losing, not winning. (“He’s a loser!”) Prediction: Clinton gets the nomination.

So it will be Trump vs. Clinton in the fall.  Who will win the general election? Next letter. That’s how my democracy is going—how is yours?


Your American friend,

Robert Brenner

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Robert Brenner is a columnist, satirist, and critic. In addition to blogging for the Huffington Post, his work has appeared in New York Magazine, Grin & Tonic, Open Salon, Theory In Action, and Happy.