Different Truths’ Agony Aunt, Rupa Mehta, answers all your sex queries that lower your self esteem, trouble you or casts a doubt in your relationship, once a month. This month she answers two questions: the problem of a wife falling asleep while making love and a wife’s doubt if their sex game in bedroom is making her kinky.
Qs. I am a mid-level executive in an IT company. I am 38 years old. My wife, 35, works as a HR personnel in another company. We both have long hours at work. Lately, I find that my wife is not interested in sex. Even when I am making love to her, she falls asleep. It puts me off. We have tiffs and fights on non issues. She is not ready to discuss her problems with me. I feel she has lost interest in me. And she does all these to insult and belittle me. Could you please show me the light?
Rupinder, Meerut, India
I don’t think it is unusual for a sex drive to get out of synch in a marriage, especially while working and bringing up children. It’s good you are still together, but obviously the passion needs rekindling. Also, communication is the key to any relationship. Don’t be afraid of expressing your feelings to your spouse. Let her know how you feel and show you still respect and admire her. It is easy to get complacent when enveloped in a busy family life, but we all need reminding how much we are appreciated.
Have you allowed yourself any pamper time, whether it be a gym, hairdresser or even your own buddy time? Just take some time out to read or go for a walk. Desirability is a mental rather than a physical issue. You need to address the underlying resentment and anger. How can you feel romantic if you are ‘seething’? Work out how that can be achieved for you. Any chink of insecurity will magnify an unintended rejection or lack of attention. It sounds like you have started to take each other for granted .Talk to each other to resolve niggling issues.
If you need help in the house, ask for it. Inquire about her needs too, in the house and outside, and with kids. Is there any chance you could arrange a child-free night out, or weekend? That way you could reconnect as adults in a relaxed chore-free environment. Go out on a naughty date together, like you used to, in the past. Get innovative. Surprise her in bed. Flowers, chocolates…the list is endless.
That’s all it takes to get back on track. It’s not so difficult. Just cut to the chase again!
Best Wishes, Rupa
Qs. We are a couple in our 30’s. We share fantasies. Last month my husband took me to an adult store. We bought costumes, police-prisoner, nurse-doctor, cleaning maid, etc. We also bought handcuffs, silk blindfolds and ropes. While enacting one of our fantasies, my hubby turned wild and crazy. He clawed and bit me on my breasts, thighs, hips. He wouldn’t stop despite my pleas. I hate pain. But, lately I like some pain too. I think I have become kinky. I am confused. Please help.
That’s a candid mail! Well, as I can see, you and your husband are adventurous in your sexual life and seem to enjoy yourselves.
Why are you confused then? Why worried about being ‘kinky’? Remember, ‘normal’ is what makes sense for you. Sex really is just a personal matter. Many people in sex want to assume a role they would never assume in the outside world. Some people, especially ones who work in a very high-powered environment just want a situation where they can relax and be told what to do. It’s simply a matter of balance.
Regarding the semi sado-masochistic acts you both have been sharing, let me reassure you that you are hardly alone and have no reason to feel out of sync. Just make sure you are comfortable with the whole thing. It’s always important to want to please your partner, but only if it makes you feel comfortable as well. As long as he doesn’t go too far and you don’t mind it, then its fine. Feel free to caution or stop him if it goes beyond comfort limits.
Go ahead and have fun!
Best Wishes, Rupa