Each and every one of us is fighting several battles. Sia’s turmoil is intense. She has a very welcoming persona and people in her circle get drawn to her and end up sharing their ups and downs with her. But Sia never shares her inner secrets with anyone except the one close to her heart. As someone rightly said pain changes people, it makes them trust less, over think more and shut people out. Shaila portrays the struggles of her soulmate, without being judgemental, exclusively for Different Truths.
I have tried to pen down a touching experience shared by one of my close friends, Sia. I do not know if I have done justice to her emotions and feelings and captured her moments of remorse and despair correctly.
Sia is my soulmate and I have known her throughout my growing years. She has a very welcoming persona and people in her circle get drawn to her and end up sharing their ups and downs with her. But Sia never shares her inner secrets with anyone except the one close to her heart that is me. As someone rightly said pain changes people, it makes them trust less, over ink more and shut people out.
It requires courage to share and talk about things that one is embarrassed about. But it is also a way to vent out and let go the guilt. But nevertheless, she is my ‘Shero’ (tigress) and kudos to her unceasing spirit! Here, I have penned down her thoughts as she narrated to me.
My mom always asked me to be careful of what I wish for. This is an experience that has left me with an excruciating pain and great remorse in my life. People wish for different things in their lives based on the need of the hour and the situations they are in. Yes, I wished for something…something very unacceptable and inferior. I wished that my father was out of my life and unbelievably it came true. Six years back in September, I received a call from my mom, who was crying uncontrollably. In between her sobs, she told me that my father was no more and he passed away in his sleep. I didn’t react nor shed a tear.
It may disgust many but please don’t judge me. I was also a pawn of destiny like many of us. Well, he wasn’t a father figure to us and would verbally and physically abuse our mom in front of us. The venom of hatred against him built over the time and I had to shoulder the responsibilities at a very young age (I was 14 years old.) He would wail away money on others just to make himself look good, while we were deprived of our basic necessities. My father also had a habit of squandering money on his vile habitude. He never understood the way we felt nor even tried to do so. Which brings me to why would I shed a tear.
As I grew up, realisation struck me bad. I had been judgmental too. His vile habitude was his way out and the rest his personality trait. I was more like him and am trying out ways to overcome and take control of the situations. He was attached yet detached and he had no control over it. I get it now. His absence in our lives definitely created a void but our children are the ones who would miss him in their lives.
The above experience just briefs up Sia’s many long years of struggle. She is a brave soul, and we would never truly know the daily turmoil she would have undergone to shoulder the responsibilities at a tender age.
But with respect to what she said, “He was attached, yet detached”. Basically, we all are. We are like puppets stringed to different relationships willingly or unwillingly. In spite of these attachments, we have our own bubble, where we live alone, and let only those people, who share the same wavelength, in. Thus forming a closed circle and going an extra mile to do anything for such people. However, in this process, the relationships and the loved ones are taken for granted. They exist but seem to be less important in comparison to the people we let in our closed circle. The needs of the loved ones take a backstage or ignored unintentionally.
From their perspective, they are doing everything but ask the loved ones how they feel. They feel neglected, unimportant and orphaned. That’s exactly how Sia’s family felt because her father was connected to them merely through a relationship, not by heart and soul. He looked at them as a responsibility that needed to be fulfilled not as a part of his life. He just played a role of a father in their life. Maybe he felt he did not belong in that relationship but kept going for the sake of his family thus being attached yet detached. The circle of perception has many tangents and it depends on which tangent the person is looking at. It’s very difficult to understand another person when we don’t understand ourselves completely. That’s the irony!
Photos from the internet and feature painting by Duy Huynh The Trust Test
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